Empower You Now! with Lisa Kitter » Blog Archive

Get To The Point!

20 April 2006 35 views 2 Comments

Would you rather have someone tip toe around a topic or get right to the point? I, for one, would much prefer we get to the heart of the matter rather than allowing an issue to stew and brew into something too big to address. This brings to mind a friend of mine, a person I’ve been very close to for several years. Apparently she is upset with me. I say, apparently because she has yet to bring this to my attention in an up front, lets get it resolved fashion. So…time drifts on and the gap grows wider and the backbone and strength supporting the friendship weakens with every day that passes.

Have I reached out to her in an attempt to open the lines of communication? Yes, and my gentle advances have been rebuffed. Yet, there is an issue and there must be hurt feelings on her part by something I’ve said, done or not done but the silence continues and so then does the challenge between us.

Anyway, the point here is not to play psycho analyst and figure out what’s up with my friend or me. Instead, my point of bringing this issue up is to bring home the fact that when two parties do not communicate relationships fall apart.

Wouldn’t you rather sit down across the table from each other and say…”Hey, here’s how I feel and why I am so upset,” Get it all out into the open and let the communication, the connecting and the healing begin? I love to lay the issue out so we can both look at it, discuss it, maybe even cry over it and then move way past it until we meet in the middle for forgiveness and healing.

Passive aggressive behavior and ignoring a miscommunication or difference of opinion doesn’t serve any purpose except to cause long term resentment and anger. Eventually, you lose friends and loved ones or business associates when you continue to harbor grudges, hurt feelings and never display the courage to get to the point of clarity. It takes courage to be direct, honest and bring an issue out into the open but I’ll tell you what, you sleep better at night when you stop hiding and begin getting to the point.

~ Lisa

2 Comments »

Fran Russell (3 comments) said:

Hi Lisa,
It is so true that tippy toeing around an issue or not addressing it at all, only makes it grow and grow. The truth is that the reason people don’t address their issues with another is based on FEAR. Yep, there’s that word again that represents so many ways we hold ourselves back from enjoying life.

Anyway, back to the fact people don’t address their issues with another is based on FEAR… fear of all the stuff a person’s holding in their head and that they’ve decided to own like…
· Rejection, what happens if I make myself vulnerable and I’m verbally stepped on?
· I’m embarrassed, because I know I did something but I’m not about to apologize, because then I’ll show weakness
· Maybe, I don’t have a reason to feel the way I do…am I right? Am I wrong?
· What if I feel worse after we talk? No thank you, I feel bad enough now.
· What if I don’t know what to say when we talk
· I’ll show you, I’m not sure what I’m going to show you, but I’m making a statement with my silence…I think.
· I’m really angrier now than I was originally, but I’m confused as to why I’m angrier now
· I don’t like feeling this way, so I’ll just shut down, distract myself, and ignore the whole thing
· And on and on …

Even when a person is approached with a request by another to have a chat and get everything out on the table, that’s when they sometimes run the fastest. Why, because now they not only have to face themselves (their fears), they now have to add the fact they didn’t have the courage to initiate the conversation to the list of things their feeling bad about.

So, they get to keep all of the stuff bottled up inside. They get to carry all of it around with them wherever they go….and it’s heavy and painful and robs them of the wonderful life available to us all.

I would much prefer to have someone get to the point of what’s bothering them or is an issue for them, than to engage in games of Guess why I’m Angry (and if you do, I still won’t tell you the truth).

Life is too short to miss out on any of it, and for any reason. Sure, it might be uncomfortable to address and issue with a neighbor, friend, family member, business partner, or significant other. But you know what, it is far more uncomfortable to imprison yourself with unresolved issues that tear at your mind, body, and spirit. Why cheat yourself out of living freely.

It does take courage to stand tall in your own life and not allow a misunderstanding or miscommunication to cause a bridge in the relationship you have with someone else. Giving yourself the gift of living freely means pushing the curtain of fear aside so that you can experience what’s on the on the other side.

In this case, what’s on the other side is an opportunity to connect with another person directly, honestly, openly, and in an effort to resolve differences. Maybe the end result will be of your preference and maybe it won’t. Really, that’s not important. What is important is that the effort is made to resolve the situation. Because the effort alone is what takes you out of hiding and brings peace of mind.

Fran

# 21 April 2006 at 3:24 pm

Fran Russell (3 comments) said:

Hi Lisa,
I guess you can tell from the length of my last comment, I am very passionate about the topic of “Getting to the Point.”

Why? Because years ago I used to run and hide and be that person who avoided confronting an issue that stood between me and another person. I hid from addressing an issue I had with someone else, and I hid from someone else addressing an issue they had with me.

The end result was that for years I got to live with misunderstandings, miscommunications, and never getting to a point of clarity. All of that was bottled up inside. I harbored all kinds of hurt feeling, grudges, and mounting anger.

My passive aggressive behavior did nothing but disempower me and create a great big huge wall between the wonderful life I experience today and the life I was living that was filled with immeasurable fear, self-doubt, and pain (both emotional and physical).

It does take courage to stand up in your own life, be direct, honest, and open to discussing issues, but what it takes to do that, is nothing compared to what it takes to shut down on your life and hide.

Knowing how I once felt years ago, I now consider it a privilege when I can address an issue with someone or have them address an issue with me. Regardless of the relationship (business or personal), it means there’s an opportunity for clarification. It means there’s an opportunity to resolve confusion and uncertainty in the relationship…allowing us both to move forward. And, of course, to sleep better at night, too!

Fran

# 22 April 2006 at 3:51 pm